Night Seven

Just putting it out there now.... anyone know of a VERY TALL bridge I could jump off??????
Last night was a goody!
Again, we started off with our new routine that we have started, this was night four. I thought I would add solids into the mix so she is less hungry and want to nurse less which would lead to learning to fall asleep on her own more...
So we did solids, bath, massage, quiet time.
All was good until quiet time. It usually takes me 10-15 minutes to get her to fall asleep and then anything after that is anyone's guess... but last night it took me almost 2 hours to get her to sleep!
After about an hour, I felt confident that she was in a deep enough sleep for me to put her down. I put her down and left the room. I went to close the door and boom! She was awake and crying.... I never wanted to hit my head on a door so much!
Went back in and tried rubbing her back without taking her out. That didn't work so back the the rocking chair that is now becoming the torture chair for me. After more rocking and using me as a soother she seemed calm enough to put her down. I put her in her vibrating chair and turned her aquarium on. She was yawning and rubbing her eyes so I thought she would be out in a few minutes, plus she didn't cry when I left the room so I thought she was okay. I told Don I was going to have a shower as my patience were getting short and after a very stressful day with very little sleep, I just needed a break.
I can usually hear her crying while I'm in the shower so since I didn't hear anything, I thought maybe... just maybe she had fallen asleep.
When I got out and went to check on her, she was screaming like i had never heard her scream before. So of course I thought she had gotten a leg stuck in the crib and tried to roll over and broke it or something like that. So I rush in to find Don rocking her.... see, I told you she didn't like him lol
I picked her up and she immediately stopped crying and even in the dim light from the night light you could she her giving Don the death glare as she whimpered. It was so sad but at the same time, kinda funny.
I sat down and rocked her and suddenly started to have a panic attack. What would happen if something were ever to happen to me? It is a very scary thought to know you are the only person on this entire planet that can feed and soothe your baby. Oh, the things you think about when you are stuck in a chair with a baby for hours on end. I could seriously start a log just for that!
So after her massive meltdown with Daddy, it only took 5 minutes and she was out. I was able to put her down and leave the room. By this time it was 10:45pm, an hour and 45 minutes after starting our quiet time. Thanks for nothing Johnson & Johnson!
So I decided that I should go straight to bed as you never know when her Highness is going to wake up next and for how long. But it is frustrating as I now don`t get any me time at all. I`m with the kids all day then taking 2 hours to put the baby to sleep just took all my me time. So yippee! I get to go to sleep just to wake up to do it all over again.... I am not finding the joy in this anymore.
3:45am came way too fast for me.... back to the torture chair. We did all the same stuff and yet she didn't want to fall asleep although she was yawning and rubbing her eyes. You could tell she was fighting it and it is baffling to me. It came to the point where I seriously couldn't even hold her anymore so I put her down and moved the rocking chair beside her crib so she could still see me and know I was still there. This worked for a bit but not for long. In the end after another 2 hours, I was able to rock her to sleep... while I stood up. So, back to bed at 5:45am.
I honestly see why parents let their kids cry it out and I really wish I had the guts to do it but I'm too emotional for that. I torture myself thinking she is just a little baby and she can't understand why I'm just letting her cry. She can't rationalize that she just needs to learn to go to sleep. Would an adult just go to sleep if they were so incredibly upset over something? How many times has something bad happened or there is something in our lives that we are upset over and we say, I couldn't sleep at all last night. I'm sure it's the same for a baby and the only reason they really fall asleep is that they are too exhausted to fight it anymore. That isn't teaching them anything in my mind.
Even though I am sooo over these sleep games with Bells, I do find it amazing how hard she fights sleep. She was sooo tired, yawning and rubbing her eyes yet she would fight it to no end. I do hope she keeps that spirit up when she is older but in the daylight hours not at night.